Poltergeist

Director Gil Kenan, writer David Lindsay and producer Sam Raimi's checklist before filming-

1.) Family has to move into a new house 

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2.) The house has to have a creepy tree next to it

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3.) House has to have an attic which overlooks the creepy tree

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4.) Family has to have a cute little girl & a shit scared boy

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5.) Obviously the poor little boy has to sleep in the attic

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6.) The attic has to have a secret closet full of clowns and dolls

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7.) The cute little girl has to have the ability to see and talk to ghosts

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8.) The cute girl has to get abducted by ghosts
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9.) The family for obvious reasons wont call 911 and would rather search for a team who studies paranormal activity as a career...yeah that has to happen... and yeah it exists
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10.) The team of paranormal enthusiasts obviously know what the hell is going on and what should be done but cant do it themselves
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11.) Did i mention the house has to have a history of deaths or has to be built on a cemetery/burial ground
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12.) Since it is 2015 the ghosts/entity should be technologically sound and be able to make all electronic devices go crazy
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13.) There has to be flickering lights, weird and loud noises, and a TV that shows nothing but the grey screen of death
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14.) The story has to have the parallel dimension and vortex mumbo jumbo to make sense
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15.) The scared to the core kid has to overcome all odds so as to save his abducted sis... you gotta have a happy ending
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POLTERGEIST - What Are You Afraid Of...

Well I was afraid that you might fuck up an old classic.. an old Spielberg classic..

And my darkest fears have indeed come true.

 AS I SEE IT the writing is not good enough to grip you. 3D is more of a gimmick then an actual tool to scare the audience. Gil Kenan might as well have made a spoof of Poltergeist and Sam Raimi what the fuck were you thinking producing this piece of cliched shit. 

AGNEEPATH

Agneepath - The Movie

Cinemaghar ho bade bhale...

ho mahenge ho bhale...

Is movie ka ticket tu khareed mat, khareed mat, khareed mat...

Wat the Fuck, Wat the Fuck, Wat the Fuck!!!

Tu naa dil thamega kabhi,

tu na hasega kabhi,

tu sirf pakega abhi...

har waqt, har waqt, har waqt....

Wat the Fuck, Wat the Fuck, Wat the Fuck!!!

Yeh mahaan drushya hai...

so raha manushya hai...

popcorn, samose, pepsi se lathpath, lathpath, lathpath...

Wat the Fuck, Wat the Fuck, Wat the Fuck!!!

P.S. - My heartiest apologies to Late Shri Harivanshrai Bachhan for butchering his classic but the movie was practically begging for it... Rishi Kapoor kicked ass, Sanjay Dutt rocked the look, Hrithik tried but cudnt do justice or maybe it was just too tall a mountain to climb, Priyanka as always is an absolute waste of screen space ( Yuccccck...I mean seriously), katrina - the only one who justified me shellin out 250 bucks for this awfully long sleeping pill...

Ready

I loved Wanted for what it was - A refreshing change from the typical Bollywood drama and it had one of the most hilarious villains ever. Then came Dabbang which broke all possible records and ended up winning a National Award, God alone knows for what. It definitely took the credibility of the National Awards down the crapper. But I must say that both Akshay Kumar and Salman Khan are leaving no stone unturned in proving it to the world that the IQ of an average Indian Movie goer is most definitely less than that of a donkey(no offense Mr. Donkey). But its like you just hang a damn carrot in front  of that ass and it follows irrespective of the fact that hes never gonna get to eat it. Similarly these so called superstars of our industry have found the perfect recipe for a carrot so tempting that we like donkeys(again no offense Mr. Donkey) flock towards the multiplexes and shell out our hard earned money just like that.

But all things said and done there are certain things that neither me nor the world were "READY" for -

- The enormity of the crap that was thrown at my face in the name of entertainment...

- The very painful 3 hrs of expressionless antics which Salman so proudly calls Acting...

- Asin with an inch thick layer of makeup..

- Dialogues like "main hu ek kutta aur yeh hai meri kutiya" and the guy sitting next to me whistling to it..(all girls in love with Salman..seriously!!! wat the hell is wrong with y'all)

- Salman shaking the unmentionables with his hands deep down in his pockets to the tune of Dhinka Chika and a bunch of school kids following in the backdrop..Yeah definitely Being Human!!!

- A series of not so funny guest appearances by superstars which by the way is totally irrelevant to the story... wait a minute there was no story... sorry my bad!!!

- The secret that the Indians have taken over Thailand and that the Thai race is extinct...

- A couple dozen very noisy characters related to each other in such complexity that only Ekta Kapoor  can figure out whos who...

- Salman Khan peeing on a haystack to announce the pee break which by the way is the interval..Yeah thts wat we want the people to be doing in the name of Hero-Worship!!! Act responsible Mr.Salman...

- A couple of negative characters named after salmans heroic flops Veer and Yuvraaj

- The climax where one of the goons gets his ass kicked with a flower...yes u read it rite, with a flower...

- And finally, Salman's arrogance in finding out how little can he get away with...

I rest my case!!!

AS I SEE IT please don't go into the movie expecting sense. Or sensibility.And especially if you dont Hero-worship Salman be "READY" with a disprin!!!

404 - Error not found

In every race there is always a dark horse; a dark horse who nobody knows; a dark horse on whom all the odds are stacked against; a dark horse who nobody expects to win.So this friday when i was unable to pick a movie to watch, i decided to put all bets on one such dark horse-"404..."I knew nothing bout this movie, hadn't even seen the trailers, not even the posters..It was a long shot that paid off and like a true underdog it came out triumphant completely satisfying all my expectations cos believe me i had gone in with none...

The name "404 - Error not found" is a rather misleading name for a movie that explores the paranormal and the unexplainable without abandoning rationality of science.This movie is surely a milestone in the history of Hindi Cinema for it has successfully tackled the sensitive issue of  spirits of the dead with the backdrop of ragging in a medical college campus using the torch of scientific reasoning. Although this movies is not a horror movie but the idea of the presence of a spirit with unfinished business coupled with some spooky scenes does send a chill down your spine.


The movie is about how a fresher enters the college with his heart full of dreams and aspirations of becoming the best of the lot.Rajvir Arora plays Abhimanyu the fresher to perfection.The movie moves on with basic plot being the nuisance that is ragging, in a medical college. The ragging reaches a new low when one of the seniors, Chris ( played by Imaad Shah) forces Abhimanyu to do indepth research bout a student who had committed suicide in the infamous room 404 in which Abhimanyu later moves in to prove that no such thing exists with the faith and support of his psychiatrist professor played excellently by Nishikanth Kamath.Wat happens next is for you to find out cos i absolutely dont wanna give out any spoilers..


What i will say is that this is one of the movies in which after every 3rd scene i tried to predict whats gonna happen next and failed miserably.I mean the movie had a firm grip on me and i was sitting on the edge of my seat trying to just figure out wat the hells gonna happen next and finally when it climaxed  I knew the juice was totally worth the squeeze!! 


AS I SEE IT in an era where intelligent cinema is indeed a rarity, Prawaal Raman is standing with a beacon of hope; hope that credits the audience with an IQ apart from the so called and over hyped EQ.Imaad Shah plays the laid back and carefree senior who tops every class with elan.Nishikanth Kamath is totally believable as the psychiatrist professor.Tisca Chopra looks cute as usual.The cinematography needs to be applauded for it spooked without gimmicks of sound effects and 3D. It is because of the applaud worthy performances and the scintillating and riveting direction that has forced me to keep my critical analysis of which i am so full of to myself and credit this movie with respect which it deserves. Bottom line -  if u are looking for a nobrainer, look elsewhere...

LUV KA THE END

A close friend of mine broke up with her bf of ages and she wanted to celebrate her break up. I suggested a movie - Luv ka The End sounded apt for the occasion. My idea of being a funny guy.. well the joke was on me cos she took it seriously and there i was sitting in an empty theater watching Luv Ka The End or was it mine...

Okkk Mr. Bumpy for starters i wud lik to congratulate u for getting promoted from making crap on Mtv to crappin all over the 70mm...So "Luv ka The End - Dont get mad, get even"...so much for orignality... I mean u cud have atleast changed the tag line.. we do watch Hollywood movies ( John Tucker must Die )

The story moves on with a couple of scenes rite out of Mean Girls which actually are tutorials on how to overact.. So Shraddha Kapoor plays the innocent chic who is in love with a casanova with the stupid and fake American accent.. Its her 18th bday and the guy wants to ...u know!!! The casanova ironically named Luv is actually a member of a site called 'Billionaire Boys club' which basically is race amongst spoilt brats to be the king of the club and the only way to win is by creating and uploading various mms scandals... yeah thts rite!!!  so for him to win he has to bed the innocent virgin who somehow gets to know of the whole plan and vows revenge by taking away the 4Cs ( Car, Cash, Charm, Chamchas )... the plan has been made and is ready to execute... 

Now that originality is flushed down the crapper lets move on with the rest of the movie. Wat really bummed me out was tht Shenaaz tempted me in tht bootyliciously hot saree and disappeared after the opening scene...Wat the fuck man!!!

WTF 1.) The exam hall has just 12 students.. Mr Bumpy this is India and i hope u do know our population...

WTF 2.) Mr. Bumpy guys who ride Jags dont use shitty Onida cell phones...

WTF 3.) Billionaire smuglers have an army of security and not just one lame watchman…

WTF 4.) Not even Himesh sings "Mann ka Radio" in the shower

WTF 5.) If one s wearin an undie and theres glue in it one wud know... Seriously dude wats wrong with u??

WTF 6.) No one can just smash up a Jag and get away with it at around 9 in the nite...its friggin Mumbai n its a friggin Jag!!!

WTF 7.) The guy gets over the itching powder and the glue in his undies and the relaxing sedative pills in his drinks within a couple of hrs…

WTF 8.) No one throws parties where u cud hear “Lets take this upstairs” … this is India

WTF 9.) Not only does he throw a party, it gets media coverage as well…wtf!!!

WTF 10.) A girl is bout to get raped in a room upstairs and everyone just wanna watch it on the lcd with concern on their faces including her best frnds…

AS I SEE IT I no longer like the word ‘babes’… Shraddha Kapoor does an ok job but wat the hell is up with her eyebrows.. kinda freaked me out!!! Bumpy cud have done a far better job… The itch scene was hilarious n so were dialogues like “slutty savitri”, “U called me the B word”,etc… Luvd the song "Tera jism jism. Tera badan badan. Yeh toh hai bus, Mutton mutton. Khol de dil ke button button" So if u don’t care tht this is chic flick and really willing to see a lameass youthful bollywood campus movie than go for it…Knock urself out.. May ur soul rest in peace!!! 

FAST 5

Being a huge fan of the Fast & Furious franchise i was just counting days to its release...It fuckin released in the IMAX...wat else cud i ask for...It had the history of being awesome.The trailers looked promising which i kept seein over and over again.There cud be nothing more satisfying than to watch Vin Diesel be bald and Paul Walker have hair against a backdrop of amazingly fast cars and gyrating buttocks.

The movie kicks off with Vin on his way to a jail sentence of 25 yrs..yeah ryt!!  lik thts gonna work... So his buddies are out to rescue him in the only way known to them which can easily put our Superstar Rajni to shame cos the prisoner bus just flips by hittin a Dodge charger after an insanely choreographed stunt... The gang then flees to Rio where for some reason even the slums look amazing... Vin n Paul arent paid to sit idle so they take up a gig with a lil help from their old friend Vince from the 1st part of the franchise... the jobs an over the top train robbery which is brilliantly shot in a beautifully barren locale and for some unexplained reason Vin decides to not follow the plan which eventually leads to a suicide leap into a gorge...
 Factual Error 1.)  Although it looked awesome and my mouth was wide open throughout the scene but i gotta say not even Vin can survive the plunge from that height into the water....


Moving on, this treason infuriates the kingpin of Rio who inturn is now thirsty for their blood...In the mean time FBI sends over an elite team headed by The ROCK to capture Vin and gang...
Factual Error 2.)  Brazil does not have an extradition treaty with the United States. Therefore Hobbs(Rock) and his team have no authority to arrest or even detain anyone in Brazil.


So now Vin and gang cook up a plan to get back at Herman Reyes the kingpin baddie of Rio. So they assemble a team of assorted characters from all the past F&F movies turning this one into and ALL STAR F&F 
Continuity Error 1.) Han Lue died in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. until and unless this happened before that..either ways it doesn't add up...  


The teams ready and so is the plan, only thing required is really fast cars. So just to relive the glory days of the F&F franchise Vin and Paul race to win new cars which are faster and which would would help em in their plan... 
Factual Error 3.)  If Vin cud beat the other car how in the hell is tht car faster... I mean just use the one u beating everybody's ass with...


Highlight of the movie - Vin Diesel vs The Rock... One of the most amazing fight sequences till date, one that cud put Wrestlemania to shame... Never seen bodies going thru so many walls..Friggin awesome...It was worth every second and every penny to see the 2 giants try to kill each other with their bare hands....
Continuity Error 2.) All of the cuts and blood on The Rock and Vin disappear immediately after their fight...They pull off a Wolverine of sorts... 


The plan looks straight out of Oceans 12 but is a fantastic adaptation...The climax is a collection of  brilliantly choreographed stunts put together  and shown fantastically by the director...
Continuity Error 2.) Several times when they are towing the vault behind their cars, the vault rolls over when going around corners, twisting the cables. In the following shots the cables are always untangled again.


AS I SEE IT Vin Diesel is back with a bang doing wat he does best; drive fast and kick ass..Paul and Brewster do an ok job...Gal Gadot looks amazingly delicious.... The Rock looks bulky and somehow sweaty throughout the movie...This is probably Justin Lin's best movie of the 3 editions of F&F he's directed...Overall an amazing experience, brilliant stunts, fantastic cinematography, had my mouth open for most parts of the movie...Would most definitely watch it again..

"Please God don't let this be the last edition of F&F cos it has most certainly has left me hungry for more" 

Dum Maaro Dum

Let me say just for the record that I like Rohan Sippy movies ... I mean i luvd Bluffmaster... Simply luvd it...So i was really excited for his new release... the posters were fantastically done... Good music.. Nice color...Premier show after ages.. To top it all it had the two things I am really really mad about - Goa and Deepika!!! So I told myself 'Wat the hell!!' and just like that i forgot all about my resolution(Yeah i had kinda taken a vow of  not going for any bollywood movie ever again) and went for it... I mean how bad it cud it get... 

So the movies starts with a dead body... so far so good i said... Then for the next half an hour i had to listen to the most irritating voices in Bollywood...  I mean it was like torture to my ears.. Prateik seriously dude u need to do something about it...I would have given him the benefit of the doubt cos for some reason the audio quality of this movie was really pathetic...Moving on... typical first plot.. teenage love story..Rich girl poor guy...both apply at the same coll.. girl gets thru guy doesn't..sob sob ...poor guy has to have a criminal frnd who offers help at a price...poor guy gets embroiled in illegal activities...

NOTE - Mr. Sippy if u wanna show an innocent teen in luv kinda character well dont let him do it with any random chick just cos he his angry !!!

Similarly more plots introducing all the stars are thrown at ur face... poor unoriginal plots...Bipasha plays the poor girl who wants to become an air hostess but cant ...She is in love with Rana who is a musician and a close friend of Prateik...  Aditya is Ranas boss who ends up taking advantage of Bipasha making her his mistress... How totally Riveting!! Amidst all this there is Abhishek playing the corrupt cop  who loses his family in an accident with a druggie....On the verge of suicide he gets a second chance to clean up Goa...He conveniently turns into a crime fighting super hero...

NOTE - Mr. Sippy u seriously need to watch some RGV or Prakash Jha movies to understand how u make cop movies and make them look realistic....

So in a rather lame attempt to intertwine these characters and their sad stories the first half of the movies ended up becoming a little too fragmented... Only highlight was the Abhishek rap...nicely done...quite catchy!!!

NOTE - Mr. Sippy what u really need are math lessons cos when u compare the weights of 2 identical bags one of which contains a hidden packet of 6kgs of cocaine the difference wud most certainly not come 2kgs...Beauty lies in the details Mr. Sippy...

So after thoroughly enjoying my hard earned intermission of just 10mins which was so not enough to get over the lame first half; i was dragged myself back to my seat for more torture...The second half was all about finding the mystery villain which never existed, proving that the director has never been to any rave parties or Goa cos he just cudnt capture the Goan vibe, Abhishek singlehandedly kickin a lot of ass, etc

NOTE - Mr. Sippy this is no longer the 70s where a hero would just go into the villains den just to say a couple of rather long n stupid dialogues...No sir we dont do tht anymore!!!

Finally after a hell lot of waiting and sitting thru crap came Deepika in the cutest and the shortest of the skirts.. best 5 mins the movies had to offer...Totally worth the wait...

The movie ends with a typical unoriginal twist...yawn

AS I SEE IT Abhishek can certainly pull off a cop act, Rana Prateik and Bipasha all look rather uninspired, Sridhar Raghavan writes an uninteresting cops and robbers chase, Goa just doesnt look Goa, decent music by Pritam, Rohan Sippy should stick to his forte which certainly is not a cop movie. So go for it only if you have absolutely nothing to do and somebody is financing it for you cos it is just aint worth your own money....

BOTTOM LINE : Dum Maaro Dum has no DUM in it!!!!